I want to preface this post by saying I’m not looking for
sympathy, I’m just putting my thoughts down on paper so to speak. Maybe what I have to say will help someone or
maybe it will help you understand me a little or maybe it will be just a good
read.
I got asked last night what has been bothering me as I’ve
been a little snippy. I said it was the
same ol’ stuff, as I got to thinking about it later that night more occurred to
me. When I say ‘more’ I mean details of
the main point. The main point has been the same for a while now, ever since
our lives got turned upside down in 2009 so the same ol’stuff has been the same
for almost 3 years. Short version…we
lost our jobs, house, car, and life we had built together for 6 years all in 6
months. I’m not going to lie it was
rough and sometimes still is. Many of you may not know this but when we lost
our jobs we were attempting to start a family.
I was even taking fertility drugs.
Now here it is over 3 years later and sometimes I feel we are farther
from that goal than ever. I stopped
reading posts by my friends on facebook about their pregnancies and their
babies. I felt bad doing this and not
keeping up with my friends lives. While
I was happy for them, all it did was serve as a painful reminder of what we had
lost. I had a close friend who had a
baby shortly before we moved. As luck
would have it we were moving closer. I
enjoyed spending time with that little boy and was even lucky enough to
babysit. For some reason he didn’t
remind me of what we had lost we just had fun.
I don’t know if it’s because I have known his parents since I was 13 or
what the reason was but being with him didn’t make me feel sad. Now I no longer watch him but it made me
realize that I could look at babies and not see all the loss and that was a
good thing. Now I still look at the
infant section longingly. I still cry
every time a visit with a baby is over
but at least I’m not bitter anymore.
Currently we’re
living with friends; while my husband is working I’m not. The school I expected
to take 3 years will take 4. I may be complaining a little, but I’m also attempting to state the current
situation. While our friends who offered
to house us (we do pay rent but not much) have been so awesome there are
drawbacks. I am a large control freak
and I know this. There are times I want
to organize and run the house, but have to tell myself it’s not mine to
run. Honestly, that has been harder than
I expected.
If you ever get a chance to see or have already seen Meet
the Robinsons please do it’s a great movie. One of the main themes in the
moving is to “Keep moving forward”. It’s
a good line and one we try to stick to but there are occasions when I feel we
are not moving forward anymore. We seem
to be stuck in this loop that doesn’t have an end. (thus is the nature of loops.) The moving forward we do seems to get
canceled out by things moving back or staying the same...so loop. So how do
I/we get out of this loop? Well for starters I am attempting to look for a
job. I have applied to many places
without much luck. So I suppose I keep
doing it, I keep moving forward…
