New Direction

No, this post isn't about 1D. lol! I know said new post where coming soon...a while ago.  Each time I thought about posting something I wasn't sure what exactly to write about.  So first I'm going to give an update on my life up to now, then talk about which direction is 'new' (north! ha! I kid)

The biggest change is we have our own place now! We really love it and the cats love having a a whole house to roam around in.  It’s quiet and the neighbors seem nice, it’s been about 6 months and I couldn't be happier with our choice to move.

Professionally I'm still jobless, kinda, I did some work for a previous employer on a part-time basis now on a as needed basis. I was grateful for the position, and it gave me the chance to work with some wonderful people again.  Since February I have been attempting to become a real estate agent.  That has taken longer than I thought and annoying the living daylights out of me.   The original plan was to attend the sales class take the state test become a sales agent, take the broker class become a broker all before July 1.  Well the state test has proved to be more difficult than I thought.  The first part with the sales info not a problem but the part with the state rules and laws...I can't seem to pass.  I've taken it 3 times,  I have a bachelor’s degree in business why can't I pass a simple 55 question test?! So the plan now is to pass the state test I have scheduled next week.  Turn in that and the certificate I got for passing the broker class and become a broker in the next 2 weeks.  Let's hope this all works out.

The husband actually told he loves his job.  In 10 years of marriage he has never said that until this new one. I can't even tell you how happy I was to hear that.  It was a bit like this in my head. On the outside though I looked like this and just said that's great glad to hear it.

Over the past 12 months I have been struggling with dry itchy skin spots pretty much all over and pain in my shoulders, then my knees and hips.  Turns out I was hit with a double whammy. It’s annoying but I'm on medication now and its working wonders.  I haven't felt this good in a while; I feel more me and let's face it who doesn't want to be more me? 

Now that you've been updated time to talk about the new direction. I'm going to start weekly updates talking about the trouble...well let’s just call it what is it, infertility.  It's something I've kept private for a very long time, the past few months I've had problems processing the emotions that go with this.  My hope is that in writing about them it will help me process and maybe something I say will help someone else.  In fall 2008 my husband and I started trying to get pregnant.  My doctor had already diagnosed me with PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome, so we knew it was going to a rough go.  I started tracking my temperatures, taking prenatal vitamins you know the stuff you're supposed to do.  Nothing happened.  Well, not the desired result anyway.  So I went back to the doctor for a scheduled appointment, who set me up with a fertility doctor.  His plan was to an ultrasound of my ovaries, and go from there.  Let me tell you that is not a pleasant experience. I thought it was going to over the stomach like the ultrasounds you see on TV.  I was wrong, very wrong.   I had no idea they made ultrasound wands that could go into the body, trust me they do.  It was really neat to see it on the screen. It was kinda like; hey I can see my insides! You know like when you were a kid and you wanted to know what your insides looked like but couldn't find out without hurting yourself... or maybe that was just me. It showed that I had a pretty severe case of PCOS and I'm going to speak plainly here, my eggs weren't maturing they were become cysts and staying in my ovaries, therefore resulting in no periods. As women we all want to believe that we’re amazing and awesome, but suddenly I was broken.  I couldn't do on purpose what some do on accident.  My doctor was very positive ( I think that was in his job description) said Clomid works wonders and that's probably all I need.  So I started taking it, and wow a mood stabilizer it is not.  One minute I was happy, smilie and the next second I was bawling my eyes out or yelling at my husband for a really minor thing.  The mood swings were horrible, but I kept telling myself and my husband it was only temporary and the end result was worth it.  After the first round of pills I took went to the doctor to see how my eggs were progressing, they weren't quite there.  They have to be a certain size I think its 14mm, but it’s been a few years I could be wrong.  Either way mine weren't there yet, so he upped my dosage.  For the next two months we tried with the upped dosage.  It didn't happen.  I was starting the 3rd month when the bottom dropped out of our life.  See we were working at the same place, and the recession hit and like every other company ours downsized.  We lost our jobs on the same day in March of 2009.  So that night I stopped taking the clomid.  It was a horrific day.  I can't tell you how many times I cried that day.  I'm not a big fan of the unknown and not knowing how we were going to pays bills let alone support a child that came was a roller coaster.  We came to the conclusion that we needed to change our lives, so after a couple of weeks of figuring and freaking out we decided to go back to school.  Neither one of us had bachelor’s degrees so we got them and put the baby making on hold.  There was no way I was going to go to school full time, work part time and attempt to get pregnant.  School was enough stress.  

Fast forward to fall/winter 2013; for those counting that's 4 years.  During those 4 years I tried not to think about getting older, turning 30,31,32,33, and 34 watching my friends have their children. Some days were better than others.  Most days I could ignore that pesky biological clock.  (those who have heard its very loud and annoying ticking know just how pesky it can be) I would do all sorts of things to avoid looking at the uber cute baby clothes; I would even scroll past my friends pictures of their cute babies on Facebook. Not to mention my younger sister got pregnant with not really trying. I told my parents I could be happy for her and sad for me.  The days that weren't most days I would walk by the baby section in a store, wander through it with my hands tightly gripped on the cart, while my stomach ached for the baby it wasn't carrying.  I would only allow myself a few minutes so I wouldn't start shedding tears, after the few minutes were over I'd straighten, tell myself to suck it up and continue on with my shopping, while pushing those thoughts out of my head.  

Guess that wasn't much of a fast forward more of a montage.  So...currently (see what I did there?:) I went off my birth control pills in November and have been for the past seven months attempting to get pregnant.  So far nothing.  I've been a normal girl (more plain speak) that is I've had a period every month without! pills.  It's been exciting, for the first time in I can't remember how long I'm normal.  I thought this is it a gift, this is our window.  I bought a pocket calendar and started tracking my cycle. 3 months ago I bought ovulation kits, and tracked that as well.  The first month with those I wasn't quite sure how they worked.  I think I was reading too much into it and trying to go about it way to clinically. The second month though, I thought great I've figured this out here we go and I really thought I might be pregnant for about 2 weeks I was nauseous and my boobs felt better in a bra, (which doesn't happen, ever.ever.) But my period came right on the day it was scheduled to.  That one was especially hard.  During those two weeks I tried to not get my hopes up, but I did.  The morning my period showed up I cried on and off all day.  So it was back to peeing on sticks daily and waiting.  

And we're still waiting.

Coming Soon

New posts and random musings coming soon!

So I've been thinking...

I've been thinking about the last post I wrote.  I showed it to my husband and he agreed I might have been a little accusatory. I wrote when I was upset and I know I shouldn't do that  I believe I have mentioned this before...Words matter people don't forget.  Alas yes, you guessed it I wrote in some anger.  I rationalized it was  just me explaining myself.  *sigh* Sometimes rationalizations get you into trouble.  I woke up this morning thinking about it and I should mention multiple things...

First these are mostly my issues that pop up now.  I was only hurt and angry in the beginning. I was hoping that writing the issues into coherent words and sentences would help me and possibly others.

Secondly and most importantly we are still great friends and that will (hopefully) never change.  What you see are the times when my issues pile up and my brain overloads.  But we have great times together, we laugh, joke and have a generally good time almost every day. (maybe I should write about those they would be more fun)

I mentioned the word charity last night and honestly its the first time I think I have ever used it.  I know my friends don't see it that way, but it doesn't stop my brain from seeing it that way. No other "landlord" would let me be 2 months behind on rent and only say something once.  I have tremendous guilt about it so yeah I call it charity, but it could also just be friends helping out friends..friendship charity? Nah that doesn't sound right either.  I struggle to find the right word, to describe some things and this is one of those times.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  9 times out of 10 none of this stuff wouldn't bother me if we weren't living here.  My control freakness isn't an exaggeration, its bad. I like to run things. Its a problem I try to work on. But its also the one thing I know will let me be awesome at any job I get so I try not to fix it too much.  I just haven't figured out the right balance yet.

I'll admit it..there is a little bit of jealousy in there too.  I have to live with my friends cause I can't afford to live out on my own.  They can afford nice things and going out to eat and ect. They have the life I want. I am 33 years old have no kids and no house so yeah when something bothers me all of that comes up again and its me trying to contain my crazy and I hit rough patches. Living together as a family unfortunately my friends see this.

We live together like a family does and in a large family there will always be something that one person does to irritate another.  It's just the way family works.  My writing about the things that bother me as you will notice take months to accumulate. I know there is stuff I've done that annoys them.  For the most part we are one large happy family unit.

Lastly, these are my issues and I'm trying to work on them.

Yeah its that again...

I have posted before about some friends of mine becoming vegan at a moments notice almost a year ago. I found she had also had a blog one day, and it so happens to be about her and her family's journey about the sudden change in lifestyle.  More power to her.  I think writing helps me so I hope it helps other people.  I want to make something completely clear.  I have no issue with the word organic (other than its over use). If you want to buy organic more power to you.   Its no skin off my nose what you eat or don't eat. What angers me about the situation and I believe I have said this before is the not thinking how what you say and do affects other people.  Maybe I concentrate on this to much, its possible. 

So I thought I would take the opportunity to reply to some of the things she has in her blog.  Now I don't know these specific posts are about me but my educated (and selfish) guess is they are.  

"There has been continued issues with friends- who knew food was such a trigger for people's anger."

Food is not the target of the anger.  There is always something else that's behind it. What angers me is how things are handled, dealt with, or said.  

" One friend's husband explains that every time I appear to enjoy my food- it tells his wife that my food is better then her food and that's just not allowed.  Hum, what?  Seriously?" 

Fist disclaimer: I've always considered myself a good, much better than average cook. Her enjoying her food NEVER bothered me. What bothered me was she was cooking like I wanted to.  With real ingredients not stuff she half got from packages but from scratch.  I believe scratch tastes better, way way better.  My husband would rant and rave about what she would make (he would taste it) and go on and on about it.  Then here I was making something half out of box because I didn't have the time with school and everything to cook like I wanted to.  So every time he ranted and raved about something it reminded me, I had failed.  Not only was I not cooking like I wanted to, my husband noticed and lets face it ladies we all want to please our husbands.  Failing is not really an option in my book, in fact it rather pisses me off.  I will find a way, it may take several tries but I will find a way.  So the food was a reminder that I failed and that pissed me off, not her enjoying her food.  
  

She also doesn't want to hear about any good food prices I've found unless it does not involve the word organic.  Buying organic means I'm now a snob apparently.  ::blank stare::

I'm going to take this statement in three parts first the prices. She's right I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear about the awesome price you found on organic apples at so-in-so store.  Cause guess what I can't afford to buy organic.  Once again I'm being reminded I failed.  I can't buy the organic, can't afford it.  I live off your charity.  So why would I want hear about you spending money on the expensive foods? That's right I wouldn't. Now should I want to hear about this, being her friend an all, yes yes I should.  I'm working on it.  These things take time.

Buying organic doesn't automatically mean you're a snob.  Giving your friends the food you no longer want because its not organic or you consider it bad for you, (but not them) deciding to have an organic lawn, a salt water pool, going to the farmers market, assuming they have nothing for you because they don't have the organic label on their veggies, is. Or at least leaning in that direction.  On trips to the store she'll look at the ingredient list of everything  and I get why but its the oh that has corn syrup in it.  Yes it does and I agree you should limit your intake of corn syrup.  But not buying something just because it has corn syrup in it when in moderation (like everything else) its fine.  Like I said leaning in that direction.  Now is this going to make me not want to hang out with her anymore, no that would be silly.

Now the third point, I will start off by saying I haven't done as much research as I should on organic. But quite frankly, I find organic to be insulting to homegrowers everywhere.  I have had my own garden for years.  (haven't the past few years we've been living in town) I planted the seeds watered them with the well water and sprinkled on the seven dust to get rid of the bugs eating the plants.  But according to some people that isn't organic and they will not use them.  Grrrrr makes me so angry.  Haven forbid I want to keep the bugs from eating the food I plan to eat.  Oh and organic cookies! guess what people just cause they're organic doesn't mean they're healthier, they're still cookies!! *sigh* Now my friends aren't like this they know just because it says organic doesn't automatically make it healthier, but again leaning that direction so yeah I get a little irritated when I heard the word. The word itself doesn't bother me the meaning people attach to it does.

Now 90% of this stuff probably wouldn't bother me if we had our own place, but as it stands we're still living here. Its not  one thing that I can't handle its the sum of the parts. So yeah I get annoyed, I walk away, and more than likely I cry (mostly against my will). Will I live, yes, will be still be friends, I certainly hope so.  Will I open a discussion on organic food...probably not.

Its been a minute...or longer

So it's been a little while since I wrote anything on here.  I have several topics in my journal slated to write about just...ever hear of the expression the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak?  Its kinda like that.  I feel like I should do something a little productive like laundry and dishes, rather than write a blog entry. Wow, that sounded so..harsh. Anyway moving on, I did an analysis of our finances yesterday and while I won't say how much money we have left after the necessities lets just say its small, like pebble small.  So I came to the conclusion that since we spend so much on groceries I would attempt to lower that somehow.  I have already tried couponing and..I don't know maybe I'm not doing it right but I am not seeing the savings I expect to see.  So I thought I would do some research. I found this article which had some good points in it. He does mention a couple of things that find myself doing.  Right now, well not right this second, I am taking my receipts and imputing the data aka: food and such into a spreadsheet.  The hope is buy doing so I will know how much I spend on what and can budget from there.  He also suggests to grow your own but alas renting doesn't allow you do that so I plan on visiting the farmers market, instead. We'll see how it goes.  I even chronicle my journey here.  What a novel concept. :)

One day

One day I'll use this blog to not complain but to talk about things I enjoy like advertising and cooking and bunches of other stuff.  :)

So this new leaf...

I had been doing well with this new leaf thing even with school being so crazy towards the end. Until today.  A friend said something that made me angry I mean very angry.  But I didn't say anything instead I wrote it down here. As I have mentioned before they have become vegan and some thing's that were said and done during that time pissed me off and I thought I had gotten over most of it...until today. A friend of both of ours (my friend and I ) who is also vegan told her that eating meat/fish once a year for Christmas isn't a deal breaker so eat your traditional stuff and don't worry about it.  So my friend was talking with her husband about this and I was listening but not participating in the conversation. (they were having the conversation in front of me in the kitchen) and he says I feel crab is a gateway meat.  Now I kinda chuckled at this cause its kinda funny.  The husband said he wasn't sure he wanted to eat meat again, she says meat is gross. While I'm standing right there knowing full well I eat meat.  Now when this vegan thing started and I was getting angry about all of this so I stopped talking to her about food or food related items because I don't want to be angry with my friend. Now she has done "research" on cows and chickens and when I say research I mean watch a couple of documentaries on netflix.  So you watch a couple of videos about chickens and cows and now they're gross?! I don't criticize your food why would you do that to me? The biggest thing that gets me is she is teaching this intolerance to her children.  The daughter has written on homework she doesn't like meat its gross and unhealthy.  So this kid is going to go to school and judge others who are eating meat, she is going to tell them they are eating unhealthy and this worries me a lot.

One of the biggest biggest things for me is not making fun of people for being who they are.  Nothing makes me more angry and I feel this is a part of that.  I was teased/picked on as a kid for not eating the way "normal" people do, for going to church on Saturday, and a whole host of other things. Now I almost feel I'm being ostracized for being "normal"   I hate intolerance hate it.  So I try to be tolerate of other people and their ways its not for me to tell them how to live their lives.  I can only live my life the way I think it should be run.