So I've been thinking...

I've been thinking about the last post I wrote.  I showed it to my husband and he agreed I might have been a little accusatory. I wrote when I was upset and I know I shouldn't do that  I believe I have mentioned this before...Words matter people don't forget.  Alas yes, you guessed it I wrote in some anger.  I rationalized it was  just me explaining myself.  *sigh* Sometimes rationalizations get you into trouble.  I woke up this morning thinking about it and I should mention multiple things...

First these are mostly my issues that pop up now.  I was only hurt and angry in the beginning. I was hoping that writing the issues into coherent words and sentences would help me and possibly others.

Secondly and most importantly we are still great friends and that will (hopefully) never change.  What you see are the times when my issues pile up and my brain overloads.  But we have great times together, we laugh, joke and have a generally good time almost every day. (maybe I should write about those they would be more fun)

I mentioned the word charity last night and honestly its the first time I think I have ever used it.  I know my friends don't see it that way, but it doesn't stop my brain from seeing it that way. No other "landlord" would let me be 2 months behind on rent and only say something once.  I have tremendous guilt about it so yeah I call it charity, but it could also just be friends helping out friends..friendship charity? Nah that doesn't sound right either.  I struggle to find the right word, to describe some things and this is one of those times.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  9 times out of 10 none of this stuff wouldn't bother me if we weren't living here.  My control freakness isn't an exaggeration, its bad. I like to run things. Its a problem I try to work on. But its also the one thing I know will let me be awesome at any job I get so I try not to fix it too much.  I just haven't figured out the right balance yet.

I'll admit it..there is a little bit of jealousy in there too.  I have to live with my friends cause I can't afford to live out on my own.  They can afford nice things and going out to eat and ect. They have the life I want. I am 33 years old have no kids and no house so yeah when something bothers me all of that comes up again and its me trying to contain my crazy and I hit rough patches. Living together as a family unfortunately my friends see this.

We live together like a family does and in a large family there will always be something that one person does to irritate another.  It's just the way family works.  My writing about the things that bother me as you will notice take months to accumulate. I know there is stuff I've done that annoys them.  For the most part we are one large happy family unit.

Lastly, these are my issues and I'm trying to work on them.