So I've been thinking...

I've been thinking about the last post I wrote.  I showed it to my husband and he agreed I might have been a little accusatory. I wrote when I was upset and I know I shouldn't do that  I believe I have mentioned this before...Words matter people don't forget.  Alas yes, you guessed it I wrote in some anger.  I rationalized it was  just me explaining myself.  *sigh* Sometimes rationalizations get you into trouble.  I woke up this morning thinking about it and I should mention multiple things...

First these are mostly my issues that pop up now.  I was only hurt and angry in the beginning. I was hoping that writing the issues into coherent words and sentences would help me and possibly others.

Secondly and most importantly we are still great friends and that will (hopefully) never change.  What you see are the times when my issues pile up and my brain overloads.  But we have great times together, we laugh, joke and have a generally good time almost every day. (maybe I should write about those they would be more fun)

I mentioned the word charity last night and honestly its the first time I think I have ever used it.  I know my friends don't see it that way, but it doesn't stop my brain from seeing it that way. No other "landlord" would let me be 2 months behind on rent and only say something once.  I have tremendous guilt about it so yeah I call it charity, but it could also just be friends helping out friends..friendship charity? Nah that doesn't sound right either.  I struggle to find the right word, to describe some things and this is one of those times.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  9 times out of 10 none of this stuff wouldn't bother me if we weren't living here.  My control freakness isn't an exaggeration, its bad. I like to run things. Its a problem I try to work on. But its also the one thing I know will let me be awesome at any job I get so I try not to fix it too much.  I just haven't figured out the right balance yet.

I'll admit it..there is a little bit of jealousy in there too.  I have to live with my friends cause I can't afford to live out on my own.  They can afford nice things and going out to eat and ect. They have the life I want. I am 33 years old have no kids and no house so yeah when something bothers me all of that comes up again and its me trying to contain my crazy and I hit rough patches. Living together as a family unfortunately my friends see this.

We live together like a family does and in a large family there will always be something that one person does to irritate another.  It's just the way family works.  My writing about the things that bother me as you will notice take months to accumulate. I know there is stuff I've done that annoys them.  For the most part we are one large happy family unit.

Lastly, these are my issues and I'm trying to work on them.

Yeah its that again...

I have posted before about some friends of mine becoming vegan at a moments notice almost a year ago. I found she had also had a blog one day, and it so happens to be about her and her family's journey about the sudden change in lifestyle.  More power to her.  I think writing helps me so I hope it helps other people.  I want to make something completely clear.  I have no issue with the word organic (other than its over use). If you want to buy organic more power to you.   Its no skin off my nose what you eat or don't eat. What angers me about the situation and I believe I have said this before is the not thinking how what you say and do affects other people.  Maybe I concentrate on this to much, its possible. 

So I thought I would take the opportunity to reply to some of the things she has in her blog.  Now I don't know these specific posts are about me but my educated (and selfish) guess is they are.  

"There has been continued issues with friends- who knew food was such a trigger for people's anger."

Food is not the target of the anger.  There is always something else that's behind it. What angers me is how things are handled, dealt with, or said.  

" One friend's husband explains that every time I appear to enjoy my food- it tells his wife that my food is better then her food and that's just not allowed.  Hum, what?  Seriously?" 

Fist disclaimer: I've always considered myself a good, much better than average cook. Her enjoying her food NEVER bothered me. What bothered me was she was cooking like I wanted to.  With real ingredients not stuff she half got from packages but from scratch.  I believe scratch tastes better, way way better.  My husband would rant and rave about what she would make (he would taste it) and go on and on about it.  Then here I was making something half out of box because I didn't have the time with school and everything to cook like I wanted to.  So every time he ranted and raved about something it reminded me, I had failed.  Not only was I not cooking like I wanted to, my husband noticed and lets face it ladies we all want to please our husbands.  Failing is not really an option in my book, in fact it rather pisses me off.  I will find a way, it may take several tries but I will find a way.  So the food was a reminder that I failed and that pissed me off, not her enjoying her food.  
  

She also doesn't want to hear about any good food prices I've found unless it does not involve the word organic.  Buying organic means I'm now a snob apparently.  ::blank stare::

I'm going to take this statement in three parts first the prices. She's right I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear about the awesome price you found on organic apples at so-in-so store.  Cause guess what I can't afford to buy organic.  Once again I'm being reminded I failed.  I can't buy the organic, can't afford it.  I live off your charity.  So why would I want hear about you spending money on the expensive foods? That's right I wouldn't. Now should I want to hear about this, being her friend an all, yes yes I should.  I'm working on it.  These things take time.

Buying organic doesn't automatically mean you're a snob.  Giving your friends the food you no longer want because its not organic or you consider it bad for you, (but not them) deciding to have an organic lawn, a salt water pool, going to the farmers market, assuming they have nothing for you because they don't have the organic label on their veggies, is. Or at least leaning in that direction.  On trips to the store she'll look at the ingredient list of everything  and I get why but its the oh that has corn syrup in it.  Yes it does and I agree you should limit your intake of corn syrup.  But not buying something just because it has corn syrup in it when in moderation (like everything else) its fine.  Like I said leaning in that direction.  Now is this going to make me not want to hang out with her anymore, no that would be silly.

Now the third point, I will start off by saying I haven't done as much research as I should on organic. But quite frankly, I find organic to be insulting to homegrowers everywhere.  I have had my own garden for years.  (haven't the past few years we've been living in town) I planted the seeds watered them with the well water and sprinkled on the seven dust to get rid of the bugs eating the plants.  But according to some people that isn't organic and they will not use them.  Grrrrr makes me so angry.  Haven forbid I want to keep the bugs from eating the food I plan to eat.  Oh and organic cookies! guess what people just cause they're organic doesn't mean they're healthier, they're still cookies!! *sigh* Now my friends aren't like this they know just because it says organic doesn't automatically make it healthier, but again leaning that direction so yeah I get a little irritated when I heard the word. The word itself doesn't bother me the meaning people attach to it does.

Now 90% of this stuff probably wouldn't bother me if we had our own place, but as it stands we're still living here. Its not  one thing that I can't handle its the sum of the parts. So yeah I get annoyed, I walk away, and more than likely I cry (mostly against my will). Will I live, yes, will be still be friends, I certainly hope so.  Will I open a discussion on organic food...probably not.