New Direction

No, this post isn't about 1D. lol! I know said new post where coming soon...a while ago.  Each time I thought about posting something I wasn't sure what exactly to write about.  So first I'm going to give an update on my life up to now, then talk about which direction is 'new' (north! ha! I kid)

The biggest change is we have our own place now! We really love it and the cats love having a a whole house to roam around in.  It’s quiet and the neighbors seem nice, it’s been about 6 months and I couldn't be happier with our choice to move.

Professionally I'm still jobless, kinda, I did some work for a previous employer on a part-time basis now on a as needed basis. I was grateful for the position, and it gave me the chance to work with some wonderful people again.  Since February I have been attempting to become a real estate agent.  That has taken longer than I thought and annoying the living daylights out of me.   The original plan was to attend the sales class take the state test become a sales agent, take the broker class become a broker all before July 1.  Well the state test has proved to be more difficult than I thought.  The first part with the sales info not a problem but the part with the state rules and laws...I can't seem to pass.  I've taken it 3 times,  I have a bachelor’s degree in business why can't I pass a simple 55 question test?! So the plan now is to pass the state test I have scheduled next week.  Turn in that and the certificate I got for passing the broker class and become a broker in the next 2 weeks.  Let's hope this all works out.

The husband actually told he loves his job.  In 10 years of marriage he has never said that until this new one. I can't even tell you how happy I was to hear that.  It was a bit like this in my head. On the outside though I looked like this and just said that's great glad to hear it.

Over the past 12 months I have been struggling with dry itchy skin spots pretty much all over and pain in my shoulders, then my knees and hips.  Turns out I was hit with a double whammy. It’s annoying but I'm on medication now and its working wonders.  I haven't felt this good in a while; I feel more me and let's face it who doesn't want to be more me? 

Now that you've been updated time to talk about the new direction. I'm going to start weekly updates talking about the trouble...well let’s just call it what is it, infertility.  It's something I've kept private for a very long time, the past few months I've had problems processing the emotions that go with this.  My hope is that in writing about them it will help me process and maybe something I say will help someone else.  In fall 2008 my husband and I started trying to get pregnant.  My doctor had already diagnosed me with PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome, so we knew it was going to a rough go.  I started tracking my temperatures, taking prenatal vitamins you know the stuff you're supposed to do.  Nothing happened.  Well, not the desired result anyway.  So I went back to the doctor for a scheduled appointment, who set me up with a fertility doctor.  His plan was to an ultrasound of my ovaries, and go from there.  Let me tell you that is not a pleasant experience. I thought it was going to over the stomach like the ultrasounds you see on TV.  I was wrong, very wrong.   I had no idea they made ultrasound wands that could go into the body, trust me they do.  It was really neat to see it on the screen. It was kinda like; hey I can see my insides! You know like when you were a kid and you wanted to know what your insides looked like but couldn't find out without hurting yourself... or maybe that was just me. It showed that I had a pretty severe case of PCOS and I'm going to speak plainly here, my eggs weren't maturing they were become cysts and staying in my ovaries, therefore resulting in no periods. As women we all want to believe that we’re amazing and awesome, but suddenly I was broken.  I couldn't do on purpose what some do on accident.  My doctor was very positive ( I think that was in his job description) said Clomid works wonders and that's probably all I need.  So I started taking it, and wow a mood stabilizer it is not.  One minute I was happy, smilie and the next second I was bawling my eyes out or yelling at my husband for a really minor thing.  The mood swings were horrible, but I kept telling myself and my husband it was only temporary and the end result was worth it.  After the first round of pills I took went to the doctor to see how my eggs were progressing, they weren't quite there.  They have to be a certain size I think its 14mm, but it’s been a few years I could be wrong.  Either way mine weren't there yet, so he upped my dosage.  For the next two months we tried with the upped dosage.  It didn't happen.  I was starting the 3rd month when the bottom dropped out of our life.  See we were working at the same place, and the recession hit and like every other company ours downsized.  We lost our jobs on the same day in March of 2009.  So that night I stopped taking the clomid.  It was a horrific day.  I can't tell you how many times I cried that day.  I'm not a big fan of the unknown and not knowing how we were going to pays bills let alone support a child that came was a roller coaster.  We came to the conclusion that we needed to change our lives, so after a couple of weeks of figuring and freaking out we decided to go back to school.  Neither one of us had bachelor’s degrees so we got them and put the baby making on hold.  There was no way I was going to go to school full time, work part time and attempt to get pregnant.  School was enough stress.  

Fast forward to fall/winter 2013; for those counting that's 4 years.  During those 4 years I tried not to think about getting older, turning 30,31,32,33, and 34 watching my friends have their children. Some days were better than others.  Most days I could ignore that pesky biological clock.  (those who have heard its very loud and annoying ticking know just how pesky it can be) I would do all sorts of things to avoid looking at the uber cute baby clothes; I would even scroll past my friends pictures of their cute babies on Facebook. Not to mention my younger sister got pregnant with not really trying. I told my parents I could be happy for her and sad for me.  The days that weren't most days I would walk by the baby section in a store, wander through it with my hands tightly gripped on the cart, while my stomach ached for the baby it wasn't carrying.  I would only allow myself a few minutes so I wouldn't start shedding tears, after the few minutes were over I'd straighten, tell myself to suck it up and continue on with my shopping, while pushing those thoughts out of my head.  

Guess that wasn't much of a fast forward more of a montage.  So...currently (see what I did there?:) I went off my birth control pills in November and have been for the past seven months attempting to get pregnant.  So far nothing.  I've been a normal girl (more plain speak) that is I've had a period every month without! pills.  It's been exciting, for the first time in I can't remember how long I'm normal.  I thought this is it a gift, this is our window.  I bought a pocket calendar and started tracking my cycle. 3 months ago I bought ovulation kits, and tracked that as well.  The first month with those I wasn't quite sure how they worked.  I think I was reading too much into it and trying to go about it way to clinically. The second month though, I thought great I've figured this out here we go and I really thought I might be pregnant for about 2 weeks I was nauseous and my boobs felt better in a bra, (which doesn't happen, ever.ever.) But my period came right on the day it was scheduled to.  That one was especially hard.  During those two weeks I tried to not get my hopes up, but I did.  The morning my period showed up I cried on and off all day.  So it was back to peeing on sticks daily and waiting.  

And we're still waiting.